see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
