I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
