So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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