i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
