I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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