Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize