If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
