I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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