I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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