saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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