Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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