Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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