shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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