was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize