Define "chronic" masturbator.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
