a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
