she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
