god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
