and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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