My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
