So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
