Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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