youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
