all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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