There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
