the condom got lost in my hair
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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