I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
