My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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