Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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