let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
