im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
