I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize