can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
