I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
