I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize