My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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