smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just had sex on a roof
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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