New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
