You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
