Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize