he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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