I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
