You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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