party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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