just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
