I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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