you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
