whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
