I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
