she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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