if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
