I wish you could order shots online.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
