People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
