Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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