Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Randomize
