i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
