Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
