There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize