is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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