life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
