He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
