i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
