i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
