Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize