dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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