i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
