I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
