I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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